I think I'm gay

I'm not totally sure, but I fantasize a lot about guys. Well, one in particular. I am kind of obsessed with him. He makes me feel so many different things, intense things. Not entirely sexual. I just want to be near him all of the time. I dunno. It's weird.

Week 4, Session 9 - The Feeling

I missed writing about a few sessions with Faye. It happens, you know. Life gets in the way. But things are going well. Since I last posted, I've had three more sessions. In fact, now that I go back and count, I just finished my 9th workout with Faye.

I remember when I began, Faye said that I would feel the difference in my body after 10 sessions, I would see the difference after 20 sessions and my life would change after 30. Well, so far, she is spot on. I feel great. My core muscles are energized and tighter than ever before. I am beginning to notice than some of the exercises I struggled with when we started working together are now easier and I can do them for longer. My stamina is growing and I am honing my understanding of exactly what I am supposed to feel. What I struggled with was not knowing exactly what it is supposed to feel like to lift your legs using your stomach. But now I do and it is such an awesome feeling to know you are doing the exercise correctly.

I don't want to get too far ahead of myself. I sound like a cheerleader. I am far from an expert, but what I have learned is that the more you do something the better you get at it. These skills are being imprinted on my brain and I'll take them wherever I go.

Week 3, Session 7 - Battling Demons

Well, I missed my first session. Missed is probably not the best word to describe why I didn't make it to my scheduled appointment. As I explained to the always-understanding Faye on the phone a few hours before our 5pm Friday appointment, "life just got in the way."

I had been working quite a bit and Friday was my first day off in a long time. I just couldn't grasp my head around driving to Alameda in rush hour traffic during MLK weekend. I had laundry to do, the house to clean, etc. And all I wanted to do was avoid the roads.

That's my "more tummy!" face when Faye pushes me to work harder.

But reality blatantly stares me in the face. I am overweight and I don't have any room for slacking off. I need these sessions and I should jump at the chance to work with Faye, no matter what the day or time. I caved in to my desire to "miss" the session. Faye, at first, wasn't letting me off the hook. Secretly, I wish she had demanded that I go. But I knew that the only way to make sure I go is if I demand it of myself. I can't relay too heavily on others to help me. I have to be the one who works the hardest. I balanced my lack of Pilates over the weekend with two hikes that got my blood pumping. The first one was a mellow hour walk around the richmond Marina (it's quite lovely this time of year) and the second was a 5-mile trek in Point Reyes.

**

So it is 8:30 am Monday and I am sitting in a cafe in Alameda after finishing my morning Pilates. It had been almost 5 days since our last workout and I felt the rust. But I crushed it for an hour and I feel great. When I am there, I refuse to half ass it. What's the point of that? The hard part is done. I got my tired butt out of bed and drove down to the quiet island of Alameda, braving the cold, dark morning. I showed up and I couldn't be happier about that.

Week 2, Session 4,5 - The Transformation

One of the things I like best about my training with Faye is the flexibility (no pun intended) of our scheduling process. We work together three days a week and so far, each session has been held at a different time. Some people might hate that, but for me, it's the best possible scenario. I love getting an email from Faye on Sunday night laying out our schedule for the week. Obviously, if I cannot make the meeting, we will reschedule. It sets the tone for my week.

That is me in El Bolson, Argentina in March '07. Sorry for the extended shot. I'm trying to keep my privacy intact. I don't think I can handle the paparrazzi documenting my transformation.

For example, I just finished my second workout of the week and I feel great. I normally don't wake up until 9:30am, putting me at work at 10:15am. But this morning, I had a session with Faye at 7am in Alameda. It was dark as night out (makes sense considering it was still night time) when I got in my car. The highways were packed and it made me feel sorry for those who get up this early every morning.

I arrived at the studio a bit bleary eyed and cold. We hopped right on the machines and got to work. Ten minutes into the training, my body was warm and I began to sweat. It felt wonderful to finish my workout before many people even wake up for the day.

I keep thinking about the changes that are going to occur in my body when my training is complete in 8 weeks. I should probably start photo documenting my outside appearance to see if change occurs. Stay tuned...

Week 1, Session 3 - Body by Faye

The third session went well. We trained in the Alameda studio. I noticed instantly that Pilates is actually less work when the machines are involved. The mat class we did for session two was the hardest one yet. I think because I had to do all the work. With the machines, I was receiving guidance and support.

One of the things I like the most about Pilates is that it works my coordination and I must be concentrating fiercely while working out. If I don't pay attention to detail, I get confused. I'm not a detail-oriented person so this definitely a challenge for me. One of my favorite things so far about working with Faye at her Bayside Pilates studio in Alameda is listening to Faye's voice and closing my eyes while doing my exercises. It is my own private meditation.

Today is a mat class in my office. I'm sure it will be a tough one. I have yet to experience anything that would make me think otherwise.

Week 1, Session 2 - The work begins

For the first 20 minutes of my second session with Faye, I was skating through the exercises. I laid on my back and lengthened and stretched. Not a whole lot of core work. And then, like a spaceship kicking into hyperdrive, the intensity skyrocketed.

Joseph Pilates at 14. I read he worked as a Greek statue in the circus. For real.

We were working in my office instead of Faye's Bayside Pilates studio and we were doing mat exercises this time instead of using the large equipment. Being on the mat seemed benign when we started. When we finished up, again I was dripping sweat. There was one exercise where all I did was sit on a folder chair and try to lengthen my spine with my arms stretched in front of me. We held that position for about 1 minute and by the end I was shaking. All I was doing was sitting there!

I read a bit about the history of Pilates last night and I learned that the originator, Joseph Pilates, fused the mental with the physical while he worked out and trained people. We haven't yet gone there with sessions, but one of my goals is to treat my sessions like meditation: a time for me to let go of my stress and take care of myself.

Week 1, Session 1

Hello and welcome to my Pilates training blog. Over the next 10 weeks, I intend to use this space to chronicle my progression. With the help of my instructor, Faye Stevenson, I intend to tackle my bulging belly head on.

I've been overweight since the 9th grade. As a child I always considered myself skinny or normal. Looking back on pictures, it is apparent that my weight gain began when I turned 14. It's been a slow, gradual climb up the scale over the last 17 years and now I find myself fighting to get healthy. My wife is pregnant with out first child and I find that I have more of an incentive than ever before to lose weight and get fit.

Joseph Pilates at age 82. Now that's what I'm talkin' about...

Faye and I worked out a schedule that includes three sessions a week in her Alameda Studio as well as homework twice a week. I've never committed to anything like this before and I am scared that I might let people down - most importantly, myself. However, my will power has always been strong and I feel with Faye on my side and my friends and family rooting me on, I can lose weight and feel good about my body.

**

My first session was a bit of an eye opener. I didn't really know what to expect. I assumed it was a long abdominal workout that would only focus on my midsection. What about my arms and legs and muscles? I wanted to work all of that, too, I told Faye.

Ten minutes into our Pilates training and I had a full-body sweat going. The lack of hair on my bald head allowed the sweat to drip from the top of my noggin down the side of my cheek, finally absorbed by my t-shirt. We did arm lifts and leg lifts using her equipment and I was constantly being reminded to keep my heels together and to coordinate my movements. The workout was subtle but the feeling inside me was electric. I think Faye employed a "More Tummy!" chant on numerous occasions.

Faye was amazing throughout the entire sessions. She encouraged me and counted for me and was the cheerleader I needed her to be. The next day I could feel the workout in my biceps and my hamstrings and, of course, in my belly. I have another session with her today and surprisingly enough, I am looking forward to it.